Hai Assalamualaikum Blonnie and you who read this content
it's been a long time since I updated this blog of mine
actually, I kinda have a mixed feeling lately
maybe I just too stressed out
I'm correcting thesis and yes it took quite a long time to finish
I just wanna make sure I didn't do any mistake this time
I wanna write a better-explained research
I wanna prove my knowledge
so yeah, it's okay to take a longer time to finish it
...
=)
...
so emm.. like I mentioned just now, I have a mixed feeling lately
It kinda disturbing
I usually ignore this kind of feeling
but this time, I just can't...
I used to scare just to think about 'love'
coz I have a dark memory of love during my childhood
to be honest, I never received love from my dad
my dad has a temperament...
he used to beat us for a simple mistake
okay not only beating, we also got cursing a lot
stakat anak @$%^& tu dah biasa
k... enough
I don't want to elaborate em more
it hurts...
so, because of that... I scared to show my feeling
and I scared to let other people love me instead
pernah satu ketika tu, my niece...
she was 6 years old that time
we (my siblings, my 3 nieces, and 2 nephews) were playing something
suddenly one of my niece (the 6 years old one) told me she likes me
my mind masa tu like "WHATDIDIDOTOYOUTOGETYOUSOINTOME"
so masa tu I replied "oh.. ha ha"
then masa tu kitorg ajak makan ais krim yg dibungkus dlm plastik tu
masa bg2 ais krim tu, I lari drpd my niece tu
I nyorok
I was that scare
dgn niece je pun
tp tulah, I don't know...
so bende ni terbawa-bawa smpai I dh form 5
ada laki ni hensem weh muka kacuk
I pun suka tgk muka die
tp I x sangka dia suka I pulak
dh la directly confess
kt kantin, dpn kwn2 dia
ko rasa?
it was so awkward
and my ultimate response masa tu...
"Ha Ha Ha, you're joking right?!"
pastu I jeling dia and blah dgn kwn2 I
blk tu I murung...
sbb I reject my crush kot..
but again, I was that scare to receive love confession
actually masa tu I ada suka org lain jugak.. tp dia layan msg I pun sthn skali
so I assumed dia anggarkn I ni kwn biasa je
I was that scare to ganggu dia even msg je pun...
nk tnya kabar pun takut
sthn skali tu pun time raya
bg ucapan "selamat hr raya abg"
kite kwn agak lama okay..
I siap dpt tiket percuma ke konsert cikgu I jd konduktor muzik kt KLCC
so, I bawa dia (sbnrnya I wanna date him.. tp I takut dia reject)
So, masa pergi tu naik bas sama2..cume time balik tu I tinggalkn dia
why?
coz I naik kete parents kwn baik I...
I nk jual mahal time tu...
biar dia naik bas sorg2 blk tu
he bgtau I lepas sthn yg dat night dia mrh I tinggalkn dia
Ha Ha Ha
sorry...I don't know what to say
masa I pursued study..degree level, I kuar dgn dia even at 3am okay!
whenever dia ada mslh I kuar g kedai mkn dgr luahan hati dia
FYI, he already knew my feeling towards him
thanks to my bff ;)
but then, he asked me to help him to confess his love towards another woman from his class
I x kenal pun pompuan tu
tetibe nk mintak tlg I
tp I was so dumb that time so I stuju utk tlg dia
in tears...I agreed to help
so, I coaxed my heart to stop loving him
dr form 4 I suke dia.. masa I umur 23 baru I bgtau dia to forget about me
I suruh dia bawa haluan dia
and I bawa haluan I sndri
masa tu dia reply "NO Sara, I won't leave you...bla3"
the last thing dia msg that night after I replied "pleaseee leave me alone, it's over"
was..."I just got beaten by my dad. Thanks for sending that farewell msg tonight"
I don't know how to respond
I couldn't tell he was telling lies or not
but I really leave him for real that night...
years later...
I tertarik laki genius masa degree
die xdela hensem mana pun
tp I tertarik dgn cara dia bercakap and teori yg dia made up
and I tertarik dgn cara dia respon kt whatever I did to him
but...long story short, I left him
ada issue yg I dh crite kt one of story dlm blog I
carilah sndri kt mana
then I berkawan dgn kwn baik dia
kwn baik dia back up I masa laki tu layan I mcm tu
so I become his new bff
I perasan dia ni ada byk persamaan dgn I
suke tgk anime, suke games, suke collect something unique
so we spent time a lot together
long story short again, we fought in something
we planned to marry but in some matter, he disagreed to compromise something
so I left him
...
masa tu baru je nk lupakan perasaan takut pasal LOVE ni
tp disebabkan setitik nila tumpah dalam susu, rosak 1 susu sebelangga
so again I afraid to love someone and to receive love
then again, I joined program anak angkat kt Bera Pahang
after few days kt sana, I fell in love dgn sorg laki yg sgt kacak dan matang
he is also a gentleman yg speak politely to anyone
very humble person
masa tu I x kire dh about my fear, I confess je kt dia
tp dia jdkn I adk angkat dia
masa tu I thought dia buat cmtu sbb nk elak couple2 ni
sbb dia drpd keluarga yg beragama molek
but long behold, he married to another woman
yes it hurts a lot
I cried for a week
so I told him to forget about me and I don't want to be his little sis anymore
yes I was so dumb to treat him well enough
I sanggup masak utk dia, dtg jumpa dia time dia sakit bwkkn dia bubur
jumpa dia anytime dia nk..
Ha Ha ;)
So, bende tu dh lepas pun.. I dh maafkn dia..
so again.. that old fear haunts me one more time
so many men come after that to know me better and etc
but I rejected them all
I guessed I wasn't ready to be loved again
...
oh, one more thing before I ttup crite ni
my mum pernah bgtau kt I mcm ni
"mummy dlu masa kecik2 penah ckp xnk kawen dgn laki pendek. last2 tgk bpk u tu, pendek jgk jodoh mummy."
so.. masa I kecik, kwn I tnya I xnk laki yg mcm mana
I jwb "I xnk laki yg lg muda dr I.. x matang!"
so I was so worried that young man might be my future husband....ermmm!
so whenever I meet a young man who likes older woman, I keep myself away from him...
berkesan x buat cmtu?
well, who knows?
Allah is the best planner after all
K thanks for reviewing this story
~bye2~
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